The Compass Rose

Sibling Revelry vs. Sibling Rivalry

Sibling R-E-V-E-L-R-Y is attainable

Yes, Mom and Dad, you too can achieve sibling revelry! I'm not off my rocker, I do mean R-E-V-E-L-R-Y. I know it is not the customary word normally paired with the word sibling, as in Sibling Rivalry. The word I speak of is revelry and is synonymous with "merrymaking".

Merrymaking in Harmony Hollow

Our children have become experts at dramatic, silly, hysterical, un-inhibited revelry. There are many reasons for this expert status, but one is truly obvious. John and I were both music and drama students and even more importantly... 4-H Counselors. For those of you unfamiliar with 4-H Camp, boy did you miss out. But hopefully, you have some other summer camp or church camp experience to draw from.

As 4-H Camp Counselors in Harmony Hollow, which is located in beautiful Front Royal, Virginia, we gained valuable experience that would ultimately make us "funner parents". We learned how to compose silly parodies of familiar tunes to entertain campers. We constructed ridiculous skits where John was the professor and I was Igor, his hump backed banana squashing assistant. And of course we costumed the masses in great thrift store and flea market finds. Once we even constructed a full feathered head-dress for one of our fellow camp counselors and planned an authentic "attack" on the unsuspecting campers. John had asked the campers for a moment of silence to reflect on the sounds of nature. Suddenly, a shooting arrow appeared in the sky and landed in the pond in front of the campfire circle. Indian Chief Mike  came barreling down the hill towards the bewildered  encircled campers, while chanting a Native American song. Talk about dramatic. It scared the bee-jeebies out of them all, but that was quickly replaced with shouts of "Cool! Did you see that? That's Mike!" With parents like us, how could our kids not be natural revelers!

Teaching Kids to Play

From the time our oldest son, now sixteen, was born, we have "acted" things out. We've both read books to our children in different character voices. We've sung songs almost incessantly, especially the silly ones. We've also spent invaluable "floor time" with our kids, be it dancing to 80s music, playing board games, playing baby-dolls (both of us) or pushing the Scooby Doo Van around chasing Spiderman. Many times over the years have I played the damsel needing rescued by the brave knight while John played a fellow musketeer or Prince Charming to a little girl's Cinderella. We've had a Renaissance style birthday in a tent with real turkey legs for fare. We've had fairy tea parties with fairy wings, magic tricks and mischievous misfit elves reeking havoc.

In the beginning, we created the scenarios, we played along and our children followed. Now that our children are 16, 11, 8, 6, 4, and 3 we rarely are called upon to be the producers of their revelry, most of the time we are now the audience. They now create their own plays, skits, songs and imaginary play stages and adventures. They do this while laughing, giggling, and being thoroughly absorbed in "merry-making". I've noticed too, that when they are immersed in creative imagination, the sibling rivalry ceases and desists.

Creative Play bonds parent to child, child to parent, and sibling to sibling.

These merry adventures are the ones that build their relationships. They have created their own Harmony Hollow. These memories are the ones that will show them how to play with their own children. This merry-making will help them through the times of sibling rivalry that are a part of growing up. Hopefully, when they are adults, they will remember all the fun times they have had together and will feel the bond that ties them to one another. This bond will help each of them respect each other when they disagree about matters as adults. As we all know, even as adults, sibling rivalry can raise its ugly head. Creative play bonds parent to child, child to parent and sibling to sibling.

Mary Kidd Flemming, Family Coach    Crossroads Professional Counseling and Family Life Center

Visit us on the web at: www.crossroadsfamilycenter.com

 

Co-Parenting Family Communication is Key

Co-Parenting: In Raising Children, Two Heads Are Better Than One

“Daddy can I have a piece of chocolate cake?”

“What did your mom say?”

“She said ask Daddy.”

“Ok then!”……… Dad is great gives you chocolate cake!

Once again, Dad was duped by those big blue eyes and has to answer to an angry wife. Mom wants to know what planet he came from, where chocolate cake before dinner was a good idea. “But….she said…that you said… to ask Daddy.”  Once again, Dad is played as a fool.  At least his little girl still loves him.

Co-Parenting: Active Communication and Lack of Discord

This story illustrates one of the most important, but yet one of the most difficult aspects of raising children…working together.  Psychologists call this skill co-parenting.  Basically, having a great deal of communication and very little discord will make you a master of this skill. Sounds easy , but the task is super human.  Two people seldom agree on everything. In fact, always agreeing would make for a pretty boring marriage and would not allow for growth from either side.  The key is to work out these differences ahead of time if at all possible or to work on it away from the kids.  If they hear there is a disagreement they will work it to their advantage (you can’t blame a kid for trying).

If you cannot agree on the issue, then agree to a system you can use to resolve the conflict.  Take turns, play rock paper scissors, draw straws, do anything but fight.  Life is too short and your kids will give you plenty of issues, so you will get your way soon enough.

Communication and Discord

There are two key factors that influence how parents interact and how successful they will be with their children:  Communication and discord.  A peaceful and stable home requires both.  If both of these are present, then you will have successful co-parenting producing happy and healthy children.  If either or both are missing then you have a problem.

Passive Communication and Lack of Discord  If you have passive communication and a lack of discord, you find yourself engaged in a form of parallel parenting.  Both mother and father are doing their own thing, but do not have a common goal.  Sure there is no conflict but that does not mean that all is well.  A ship with two captains can not navigate through the rough waters that it may face.  A child then becomes entangled between two courses that may run in opposite directions.

Active Communication and High Discord Active communication and high discord is a family at war.  Fighting is the norm and the children are the casualties.  This is a marriage and a family that is chronically unhappy.  Children often shrink into themselves and can become self destructive at the extremes or they recoil like a viper and strike out at their world.  The marriage is usually not on stable ground then the children risk the dissolution of their family.

Passive Communication and High Discord Passive communication and high discord is the silent killer of parenting: passive aggression.  Children are the pawns in a viscous game between mom and dad; the game of getting back or getting even.  I may not come out and tell you what I want but you will surely know.  Children soon learn this pattern and become pros.  This will damage their ability to form successful relationships in life which is very sad.

So what can you do about this problem?  Be aware, reflect, analyze, and commit to co-parenting.  The key is to talk about it, perhaps over a piece of chocolate cake.

Parenting: Undesirable Language: The word HATE

Walking the tightrope between LOVE and HATE

I really don't like the word HATE although, I admit there are times that I've said, in the presence of my children...." I HATE it when that happens....or I HATE it when "People" are sooooo rude."

I've been on my soapbox about this word with my kids from time to time. I can just hear myself now. "HATE is a very strong word. It should be reserved for only the most detestable things and really shouldn't be used if you can think of any other word to use." I've even played MAMA DICTIONARY a time or two...."Do you know what that word means? do you? Well, let me show you how mean it is to say you HATE your sister....look right here on the online dictionary.....hold on....here it comes....Hate: intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury....now, I know you are mad at your sister, but you can't use intense hostility towards her over this issue....you need to calm down and think of a better way to talk to your sister...do you understand me? ...do YOU? I HATE it when you don't answer me!" OOPS there I go again....I should get the Hypocrisy OSCAR for that one. You know the old adage: Do as I say, not as I do.

Homework for Mom

This is one parenting issue that I know I need to work on, and with time I'm sure I can get out of this destructive pattern. There is nothing that makes me cringe than hearing one of my little ones say in anger, "Mommy, I HATE you!" The instant I hear that phrase, I immediately wish that my little one's ears would have never heard the word HATE."

Ryleigh: (just after waking up this very COLD morning) "Mommy, I want SODA in my sippy cup."

Me: "Oh, I think milk is a much better choice."

Ryleigh: "Mommy, I want SODA in my sippy cup...now. It is in the pantry!"

Me: "You are right it is in there. We had SODA last night with dinner for a special treat, but this morning you should have milk. Milk makes strong teeth and bones....and muscles."

Ryleigh: " I DON'T WANT strong teeth or musk-cuhls! I WANT SODA!" (She proceeds to throw herself on the floor in a kicking in circles tantrum) "I HATE MILK! I HATE YOU MOMMY!"

I know that this simply isn't true.....She DOES NOT HATE MILK, in fact she drinks milk every day...AND she doesn't hate me either. I proceed to put the milk in the sippy cup and sit it on the counter ignoring her tantrum and her viscious use of the word "HATE".

Me: "I'm putting this on the counter. You can have it when you are ready."

Ryleigh:" I HATE YOU MOMMY! I HATE YOU MOMMY!"

Me: " I LOVE YOU!"

Ryleigh: " I HATE YOU!"

Me: "I LOVE YOU!"

Timing is everything

There is a brief intermission as I go into the laundry room and begin to take the clothes from the dryer. I've learned over the years that sometimes you must just walk away. Attention to bad behavior is still attention and that can fuel a tantrum. Suddenly a little voice says, " Mommy....I'm sorry. (pause) I love you!" We embrace with great affection. "Remember, your sippy is on the counter." She smiles so angelically and flaps her little angel wings to the kitchen to get her sippy cup. I stand very still and take in the warmth of the clothes fresh from the dryer, deliberating over when the best time will be for my soapbox "don't use the word hate speech". I think it will be perfect lunch conversation over a peanut butter sandwich and ....what else? A sippy cup of milk!

Mary Kidd Flemming, Family Coach Crossroads Professional Counseling and Family Life Center and mother of six spirited kids

Behavior Problems in Families: 4 Points in the Parenting Compass

The Compass Rose is a navigational tool used by mariners for centuries to help them find their way and to understand the prevailing winds. The Crossroads Professional Counseling and Family Life Center blog, The Compass Rose, is a place for parents to find direction as they guide their family through life's often turbulent waters. The first step is to realize that all behavior is communication. Every behavior your child exhibits, is a window into the thoughts, feelings, and motivations of your child. There are four directions your child may go in when misbehaving. Understanding these motivational factors will help you to understand why your child does what he does, when he does it. Then, you can better chart the course for a successful parenting strategy.

NORTH: Need for Attention

Everyone likes to be noticed. Children especially have an innate need to be seen and recognized.

Scenario One: Imagine your family together in a boat on a peaceful lake. You are enjoying a quiet conversation with your spouse while the children are taking in the view. All of the sudden, Johnny begins to splash everyone, brag about his rowing abilities and ultimately rocks the once peaceful boat. What do you do? Probably, Dad yells, "Sit down and be quiet" while Mom frantically reaches for Johnny screaming, "You are going to fall in, or knock your sister overboard!" Your tranquil boating trip is now a fullblown tempest. You all arrive on shore exhausted and disenchanted.

Next time, you decide to take the boat trip you have foresight. You realize that children need to be engaged by their parents during activities. Remembering to make eye contact, engage them in frequent conversation, and allowing them to be noticed frequently, says to the child, "I'm glad you are here with me. I am enjoying your company." They will have no need to misbehave because they will be receiving the attention they most desire.

SOUTH: Need for Control

Being in charge of one's destiny is a bi-product of free-will.

Scenario Two:  Back in the boat again on the peaceful lake. Today, you decided to take just your two oldest children on a special outing. As you are leaving the dock, you have a decision to make, left or right? So, you ask the kids. Immediately they begin to bicker. Johnny wants to go right and Mary wants to go left. You, as the parent make an executive decision and decide to go right today because that was the best fishing spot last time. Mary becomes obstinate. She throws her oar down in the boat, crosses her arms and says, "I'm not rowing today if we are going right!"  For the next ten minutes you get the silent treatment despite trying to communicate with your daughter. She attempts to use her silence to convince you to change your mind. You resolve that in the future you will devise a plan with your children before going on the trip which allows them both to have equal turns in decision-making. Respecting, of course, your exclusive right to use your veto powers at anytime you deem appropriate.

EAST: Need for Escape

When life gets overwhelming there is a natural fight or flight response. When we decide to flee, we find ourselves motivated by a need to escape the situation.

Scenario Three:  Same boat. Same lake. The entire family onboard. Johnny had expressed to you earlier that he really didn't "feel like" going on a "dumb" fishing trip. You are tired of him always wanting to be alone and insist that the family needs this time together, AND you don't want to hear any more about it! A few minutes after leaving the dock, the sun is bearing down, the baby is crying and your teenage son jumps overboard. As you all peer into the water, Johnny says, "I'm sorry.. I'll meet you on shore". Stunned, you try to seperate yourself from your disappointment at the terrible and dangerous example he set for the other children and the fact that you are pretty certain he just ruined his new IPOD. When you get to shore, you decide to calmly discuss the opposition to the family time with your teenager. You listen and offer him ways to "escape" before or after the next trip without making such a big SPLASH!

WEST: Need for Belonging

We all have a need to feel like we belong. Children can often take this to great extremes in order to feel truly accepted.

Scenario Four: Our last boat trip. Mary has just returned from a sleepover with her new friend Molly. She begged for Molly to accompany the family on the boating excursion and you agreed. Immediately, you recognize that your normally respectful daughter has picked up a few new "sassy" and "sarcastic" phrases you'd never heard her use before. Together they begin to pick at and tease little brother Tommy and giggle. When he asks what they are laughing at, they just roll their eyes and say, "Boys are soooo dumb!" Tommy starts crying uncontrollably and refuses to sit down in the boat. While you comfort Tommy you discuss with your daughter and her new friend alternative ways to have fun without teasing siblings. You restructure the situation to make Molly feel welcome in your pre-established environment and encourage your daughter to be herself.

Posted by: John A. Flemming, LPC and Mary Kidd Flemming

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